First of all, my front lawn is not one of the ones that grace the cover of any magazine that you might ever have seen unless there is one entitled, "The Old Woman in the Shoe."

      Action figures and toys find their way into each tiny clump of grass and hang from the chain link fence as though trying to escape. I send the children on a search and seize mission to retrieve them but there has never been a time when they actually found all of them.

      Needless to say, the lawnmower or weed-eater does find them. Once a Batman throwing star went swirling through the air and hit the next door neighbor right on the backside while she was bent over giving her dog water. She thought the dog had nipped her and promptly smacked the poor old collie on his head causing him to let out a loud yelp! To make matters worse, the boys saw the whole thing and broke into hysterical laughter and high fives. They had tried to do that for weeks and couldn't get the darned thing to get up enough speed to hit the target! Come to think about it, they may have planned the whole thing.

      Anyway, yesterday was the dreaded grass cutting day. An eerie quiet fell over the lawn as the boys saw me set out the big plastic buckets that were supposed to be holding all the toys that were outside. They passed looks between themselves that only they knew the meaning of, and each of them suddenly had urgent chores to attend to elsewhere -- or so they thought. I put them to work picking up the front lawn while I started mowing the back part of the yard.

      I always seem to gain an audience when I do the grass although I can't imagine why. Doesn't everyone wear blue jeans, hiking boots, and safety glasses to mow the lawn? Okay, maybe the bulletproof vest is overdoing it a bit but I know how that lawnmower can throw rocks!

      I finished all the mowing on the backside of the house so I decided to use the weed-eater around my garden. I carefully moved as close to each plant as possible and was careful not to hit the garden hose attached to the sprinkler. I always felt so calm and relaxed there in my garden, like nothing in the world could stop the growth, the life, the... anaconda?

      As I bent over to get a bit closer to one of the plants I saw a snake go slithering right beside my right foot! I immediately tried to back up, not an easy feat when you are wielding a weed-eater and dressed in lawn cutting armor! I lost my footing and accidentally hit the water hose, which sent water spraying into the air. It moved in a left to right motion and was making the plastic landscaping fabric around the plants slicker than a greased flagpole. I could almost feel that huge snake coming my way! I fought to regain my balance and immediately attacked the slimy creature as though I was John Goodman going after a cheeseburger! I didn't stop until he was beheaded. At six inches long and nearly as thick as a drinking straw he could have been a serious problem!

      What do you mean that was not an anaconda?

      The boys had finally finished picking up the toys and came running around the house to find out what the commotion was all about. Chris, my son, was not happy that I had beheaded a friendly snake. I must have missed something -- I never knew that there was such a thing as a friendly snake. I was actually feeling a bit proud of myself. I had defended my garden against a terrible creature, and I had won. If I could tackle that snake, I could handle anything!

      I started toward the garden gate to head for the front lawn feeling confident, smug, and maybe even a bit arrogant. I was stepping high as I got to the corner of the house and looked back to smile at the boys.

      That's exactly why I didn't see the spider-web that a spider had strung from one corner of the fence to the water hose rack on the side of the house! I screamed as though my very life was on the line. I looked up to see the spider making it's way down the web, which was now hanging loosely as a result of all my panicked moves to get away from it! It was one of the writing spiders that had apparently never learned English because it only looked like scribbling to me!

      "Hey, Superwoman!" my son called out to me, "It's only a little spider!"

      I know when I'm beat and I had definitely lost at this round of grass cutting! "Boys," I replied, "I think it's time for you two to learn to cut the grass."

      Again, that look passed between the boys! I had just given them a scare that made them cringe in fear! How could they be expected to cut the grass when there were such important things that needed to be done? Who would entertain their friends? Who would make sure the cookies and Kool-aid were removed from the kitchen? Surely they couldn't cut grass in their - gasping here - street clothes!

      We struck a bargain. We would work together on the lawn, the boys doing the lawn mowing part because that was flat. I would do the trim around the flowers and plants because I wanted them to survive, and we would hire someone to do the weed-eating. After all, men should be fighting anacondas -- men would know more about how snakes think and be able to trap them more easily!